Those Quiet Moments

My days have been filled with silence of late. Largely working from home now---something I always thought would suit me very well---brings its own struggles. Things have slowed down drastically. I'm still occupied, but not to the extent I've been for the past---oh...ten years or more! I'm so used to having tens of things to do, that the fact I can actually sit around in the middle of the day and enjoy a cup of tea at leisure is miraculous! I'm still teaching, but the demands are less and I pretty much set my own schedule these days. My new part-time job adds a bit more variety to my days, but, for the most part, home is now my domain.

No children to run after, no husband to tend to, but the life of the home and the various domestic demands have begun to take priority. Cleaning times, cooking times, laundry times....All of these things are part of my routine. I love it! Today, I came home from Mass, and enjoyed (believe it or not!) polishing the wooden furniture in the living room and dining room and getting at the dust bunnies under the couch. I'm not sure what I've become. Sometimes, I'm concerned about myself. Three years ago, I was jostling to work on a crowded bus every day, sitting in a tiny cubicle, and getting the big bucks. They called that "being successful." It didn't feel like it then, and I'm glad to be away from it now. But what do you call what I'm doing now. I'm not looking to climb any ladders (unless it's to get the cake dish from the top shelf in the kitchen) and I'm certainly not making any money to write home about. But, you know what? I'm happy! I thought women weren't supposed to be happy dusting and cleaning and cooking. Maybe I forgot to read the memo....

Not to over-idealize the situation. There are times when being at home is really hard. Perhaps the biggest adjustment is embracing the silence. Sometimes, whole days go by where the only voice I hear is my own: singing, thinking out loud, praying. Daily Mass and snippets of conversation with the lovely old ladies who have embraced me in my parish are sometimes punctuated by the occasional phone call from family and friends. But mostly I'm seeing to my duties in a shroud of silence, my heart still, my whole being very calm. Sometimes, it's heavenly; other times, it's tortuous.

My brother recently bought me a car and today I experienced one of my first "quiet moments" in it while waiting outside my part-time workplace for my shift to start. Sitting there was like being in a cocoon. I think all the silence of late has lent me the ability to become profoundly quiet wherever I am. So, even with the world bustling around about me, I sat there, feeling as if I was resting in a womb, and thought I'd crack open the Psalms for a few words of wisdom to carry me through my approaching shift. One of the plusses about silence is that when God speaks, you can hear Him loud and clear. Sitting in the belly of my car, the words sprang off the page and spoke directly into my current situation, touching all my raw emotions like iodine to a wound---painful and healing. I soaked them in with a sense of wonder.

The reading was Psalm 34. I thought I'd add the verses here in case someone out there could use the reminder. Here, I was reminded that God is near, even though silence can sometimes seem like residence in a vacuum. He reminded me that my prayers, sent up like a trail of staccato puffs from a pipe, were heard in the stillness of His Heart. He showed me that I am His and that my hurts meant something to Him, even if it felt as if the rest of the world was wholly indifferent. A "Praise for Deliverance from Trouble": that's the title the editors gave the psalm. Sometimes, my trouble is thinking that silence means being alone. I think I need to remember that God resides in the quiet moments and that what seems to be one heart beat (mine) is both of our hearts beating in tandem.


Psalm 34



Praise for Deliverance from Trouble


Of David, when he feigned madness before Abimelech, so that he drove him out, and he went away.


1 I will bless the Lord at all times;
his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
2 My soul makes its boast in the Lord;
let the humble hear and be glad.
3 O magnify the Lord with me,
and let us exalt his name together.
4 I sought the Lord, and he answered me,
and delivered me from all my fears.
5 Look to him, and be radiant;

so your* faces shall never be ashamed.
6 This poor soul cried, and was heard by the Lord,
and was saved from every trouble.
7 The angel of the Lord encamps
around those who fear him, and delivers them.
8 O taste and see that the Lord is good;
happy are those who take refuge in him.
9 O fear the Lord, you his holy ones,
for those who fear him have no want.
10 The young lions suffer want and hunger,
but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.
11 Come, O children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the Lord.
12 Which of you desires life,
and covets many days to enjoy good?
13 Keep your tongue from evil,
and your lips from speaking deceit.
14 Depart from evil, and do good;
seek peace, and pursue it.
15 The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
and his ears are open to their cry.
16 The face of the Lord is against evildoers,
to cut off the remembrance of them from the earth.
17 When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears,
and rescues them from all their troubles.
18 The Lord is near to the broken-hearted,
and saves the crushed in spirit.
19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
but the Lord rescues them from them all.
20 He keeps all their bones;
not one of them will be broken.
21 Evil brings death to the wicked,
and those who hate the righteous will be condemned.
22 The Lord redeems the life of his servants;
none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned.